A story to start with
Everyone have their own story about they first met yoga, and eventually how that meeting becomes a lifestyle. My story is about how I found yoga as a way to recover from a eating disorder, and how that practice evolved from Ashtanga to where I am now.
At the age of 24 I had a serious eating disorder. I was not in a good place -a walking zombie that was all about what I was taking in and how much I could burn in a day. My intention was to run about everyday but I was to exhausted and had to compromise to walking. I thought yoga (stretching) would be good for me, and signed up at the local Jivamukti studio in Berlin where I lived at the time. I remember how I sank to the ground in Chaturanga -obviously I was very week. But the most I remember Dhanurasana. How coming out of it released so much tears. I just couldn't stop crying. The next class -same thing. I thought it was was weird because I wasn't sad or anything?! But something happened -I felt things in my body I hadn't felt before. I felt connected, a little more alive. I allowed myself to be held in that space. The Jivamukti studio became my second home during those 6 months stay in Berlin.
When I came back home to Copenhagen, there was no Jivamukti Studio. But I've just found Kino Mac Gregor at YouTube and was mesmerized by her skills. I wanted that too! Me being I habit junkie, an authority lover, happy for instructions it was love at first site. The Ashtanga system became my purpose in life for the next 8 years.
I felt in control, I felt I've found THE method that could heal me from inside out. What I didn't realize was that I was using the method as an excuse to beat myself up even more. I didn't need to work harder -I needed I break. That being said, Ashtanga yoga and the amazing people I've met through it, was also part of my recovery. Along with my progression from the first to second series (what a victory!!), there was an achy shoulder, a forever sore lower back and sticky hammie attachments. I took that as a part of the surrender to the practice. You in pain? Work harder! Exhausted? Practice more! That mentality suited me very well. At the same time I struggled to get a healthy relationship to eating. I wished I had someone else's body. Not mine. I didn't allow myself to very much.
Savasana became my anchor in the recovery. When I came home from school a laid down at the floor, closed my eyes and felt my breaths. I used to fall asleep within a few minutes. So terrible tired. My normal would be bulging and purging. Or not eating at all. I was about to break a habit pattern. Do you know how hard that is?
2014 I got pregnant. Despite what one would have thought, I loved how my body was changing. Because of serious pelvic pain I had a break from my Ashtanga practice, but I thought I would be back straight after labor:) That didn't quite happen. So much had changed in me. My body didn't agree to hip openers and everything felt off and week. I still had pelvic pain. My hips and spine felt odd. Then I came over a video of some hip articulations. What's that?! It felt amazing! I didn't knew there was anything else out there not being Ashtanga. It turned out, there was A LOT out there. And after a little while I felt that my body felt less achy. There was another kind of exploring, where I didn't know what would come next. Intuitively I knew that this was good for me. Like opening a window taking the fresh air in after years of locked doors. Gradually I exchanged all the forward bends from the first series to hip moves, shoulder exploring, spinal segmentation and more, adding external load and more.
I was still teaching Ashtanga at my home studio. I still thought it was a good practice -just not for me. I somehow thought that I would go back to practicing Ashtanga someday. Somewhere I felt it was a failure, that I've given up and wasn't strong enough to practice through this obstacles.
Until one day in a led class. I looked around the space and saw 15 women from about 20-70 year old standing in warrior A. And I just couldn't understand why we where there? Was that my best offer to them? Was my cues serving them in their life outside their yoga mat?
I knew that that was my last Ashtanga class. I told my boss I couldn't do it anymore, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life, always supporting me in my experiments. The next day Move With Ease was born. That was about two years ago.
Those years have been all about getting to know the potential in movements, healing my shoulder, relearning natural movement patterns, lifting weights, learning handstand. HAVING FUN. Getting a healthy relationship with eating has taken some years too. I notice a little resistance to share anything about it. Some days it still feels fresh. Stress triggers me, but I've learned to know when it's time to pull the breaks. Plans about diets and food control just mean "rest". I do consider myself as 100% recovered. I no longer hate myself and my body.
What is your story? Please send me an email, I would love to hear it!
Olivia
